


...And the Quest for Trust and Healing

by GrumpyJenn



Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Healing, Magical Artifacts, Sexual Tension, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-27
Updated: 2015-01-27
Packaged: 2018-03-09 06:45:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3240158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrumpyJenn/pseuds/GrumpyJenn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I don't like this one as well as some of my other Librarians stories, but I needed to explore the fact that both of them struggle with trust; in his case the problems trusting her after the Crown and the Sword, and in hers trusting other people to care without treating her like an invalid.</p>
        </blockquote>





	1. Trust?

_Well_ , thought Cassandra numbly, _that’s it. I have to…_ she couldn’t even verbalize it inside her head.

Not that she didn’t _want_ to; she cared about Jake, and she was sure he would be a considerate lov—

No, not even inside her head.

But she needed a god – or a goddess – of healing, or a magical object as strong as or stronger than the sword Excalibur. Something of the caliber (oh god, her own mind was laughing at her at that one, as if the rest of the universe hadn’t been doing that since she was fifteen) of the Holy Grail.

So Cassie, being the meticulous sort at least when she was in control of herself, made a list. Granted, the list was in her head, but still…

Perhaps Agwu would do, being associated with both health and divination. Airmed from Irish myth, or He Xiangu who had power over both physical and mental health.  Maybe Eeyeekalduk of the Inuit, or… no, the problem with deities is that no-one knew what they might do; Cassandra refused to put her team in that kind of danger again, to trust powerful beings that might be capricious or mad or downright evil.

It would have to be an item, something god-touched but not actually a deity. Maybe a unicorn horn, though how she would get a unicorn she had no idea; they were reputed to only come to those who were… never mind, there she went thinking about sex again.

Or the stone called Beatylus, the Elixir of Life from the Philosopher’s Stone, or the Rod of Asclepius.

She needed a symbol of healing, a powerful one – and thank goodness she didn’t need something darker, or she’d probably end up calling the One Ring; one never knew in the Library or even in the Annex. No, she needed a symbol of healing.

And apparently the best way to get one of those was through life magic.

The best way to get powerful life magic was through sex.

 

~~~

 

“Jake, I need to talk to you.”

Cassie was blushing brighter than her hair, and Jake wondered why. She also looked unaccountably nervous, and that was unlike her, so he followed her to a small reading room in the Annex and shut the door behind them.

And once she had him in there, she seemed disinclined – or even unable – to talk about it, whatever it was. May as well make it easier for her. “What’s wrong, Cass?”

“I…” She was looking everywhere but at him, and Jake found it both annoying and a little sad. “I need,” she said, and stopped again.

“What?”

“I… oh.” And she launched herself at him and fastened her lips to his.

 _Soft_ , he thought, _and sweet_ , and then his brain caught up and he shoved her away, harder than he meant to, because he wouldn’t hurt her for the world.

And she just crumpled, not in the boneless way she did at the end of one of her spells, but she sank to the floor, and she burst into tears. “Oh, god, Jake, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t, and you, you wouldn’t, why would you? Just friends if even that and you don’t want, of course you don’t, and I, oh god, I…” and at that point her own tears choked off the babbling words and she just knelt there on the floor, weeping and rocking slightly.

The art historian part of his brain noted that if she’d had her arms out she’d have been a dead ringer for the pose of Michelangelo’s _Pieta_ , and that dry observation made him realize that this wasn’t just embarrassment, wasn’t just one of her spells, this was _grief_ and despair and terror.

She wasn’t alone in that last; Jacob Stone had never been as scared in his life as he was at the sight of this lovely, sweet, naïve, scary-smart woman dissolved into a weepy puddle on the floor.

“Cass.” Shit, his voice was so hoarse. He swallowed around the huge lump that had appeared in his throat and tried again. “Cassie, sweetheart, don’t cry.”

She didn’t stop, maybe she _couldn’t_ , so Jake got down on his heels and spoke as gently as he could. “Cassie. I’m not mad, I promise. Just…” He took a deep breath. “Tell me what’s wrong. Please.”

Cassie shook her head, but she didn’t look up, she only knelt there, shaking and dripping tears onto the floor. Jake put on hand out, hesitantly, and touched her hair. When she flinched violently away, then he really got worried. God, what happened to her?

 

~~~

 

 _Oh god,_ Cassie thought despairingly _. I did it again. Betrayed the team, betrayed_ Jake _, all on the off chance that I might find a cure_. She felt herself flinch away from the gentle touch, because if he knew what she had done, he’d _never_ forgive her. Not this time.

She hadn’t known what to expect when she kissed him; maybe he’d cooperate, maybe he’d reject her advances. But she had expected that if he did reject her, he’d do it gently. Instead he’d pushed her away like she’d slapped him, and oh god, she’d never get cured now, and, and…

So when he reached out again, slower this time, like she was a frightened and feral animal, Cassie managed to control the impulse to get away. “Cassie, sweetheart, you’re scarin’ me.” The Okie accent was creeping in, so he must really be upset, she’d hurt him, he’d never forgive her this second betrayal, third if you counted the Apple, and her brain started firing off in the way that it did when she was just overwhelmed, not so much math trance as straight up seizure.

_colors_

_shapes_

_sounds of flavor_

_but nothing useful_

_she’s useless and dangerous and_

_they’ll hate her_

_he’ll hate her never forgive her_

“Cassie. God, Cassie, honey, snap out of it.”

Warm arms cradling her against the hard muscles of his chest. And a concerned voice, so gentle with that slight twang that meant he was worried or upset.

Cassandra sighed and snuggled closer.

He didn’t hate her.

That might change when she told him what she’d done, why she’d kissed him.

But for now he didn’t hate her; he was being gentle and sweet and concerned, and in this moment, that was all Cassie wanted.

They’d been afraid to touch her, she thought, everyone. No hugs from parents for fear she would break, and the few fumblings in the dark with boys after she was fifteen, after the tumor… they hadn’t ended well at all. Nothing like a math trance to scare away the boys, and when it happened during … well, that boy would tell his friends and after that no-one wanted to be _seen_ with her, much less touch her.

“Poor lonely baby,” she heard Jake murmur into her hair, and she realized to her utter mortification that she had said some of it aloud.

But he didn’t push her away, didn’t shove her off his lap or even falter in the gentle circles he was rubbing on her back, so Cassie sighed and gave into the wonderful feeling of being held.

And eventually she fell asleep.


	2. Healing Trust

Jake might have slept too, a warm and soft bundle of Cassie half on his lap and half on the sofa, but he soon woke, his mind was whirling a mile a minute. Much like hers did, he reflected, though lately she’d been able to control it better than she used to. From what she’d babbled during the little spell, it sounded like more than just needing physical contact, though that was probably part of it.

Cassie was _hurt_ , and terribly lonely, and she’d turned to him for help.

And he’d pushed her away, far harder than he’d needed to.

She’d surprised him to the point of just _reacting,_ no conscious thought; it was just _whatthehell_?? and a shove, and then she’d been weeping on the floor.

Which meant that her pain was at least partly his fault.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” Jake found himself mumbling into her hair as he felt her stir. “I don’t want-“

“Me.” _God, that’s not it at all_ …

“I didn’t say that, darlin’.”

Cassie sat up, and Jake found that he missed the weight of her on his chest. She retreated to the far end of the sofa and curled up with her chin on her knees, avoiding eye contact, obviously embarrassed. “I’m sorry.” It was a miserable guilt-filled whisper, and she closed her eyes. “I shouldn’t have k-kissed you. I just hoped… and now I’ve screwed it all up and I did it _again_ , and I—what are you _doing_?”

He’d gotten up and moved around behind her, massaging shoulder muscles so tight with tension that his own ached just _knowing_ about them. “Jesus, Cass, you’re tense,” Jake said in as conversational a tone as he could manage. “So what is it you did?” The muscles that had begun to relax tightened again, and he dug in with his thumbs, waiting for her to get up the nerve to speak.

“I… I b-betrayed you. Again.”

“Huh. Don’t recall that. How?”

“I tried to use you to solve my own…” Cassie gave a bark of entirely unamused laughter and raised a hand to tap at her head. “My own problem. Again.”

“By _kissing_ me? Didn’t feel like betrayal, honey.” _It felt_ good _, just… surprising_.

“But I _used_ you, I tried to use you, to seduce you, so I could use the sex as life magic to cure… oh, _god_.” She buried her face in her hands, mortified.

Jake felt his hands still on her shoulders. “Still not betrayal,” he said hoarsely, forcing his fingers to stroke gently now. “Not real nice, but not betrayal. Why didn’t you just ask me?”

“Oh, right.” That was said so bitterly that Jake’s breath caught with sympathy. “Like you’d do it if I asked you.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” _Really, I want to know_ …

“B-because you don’t trust me! I screwed that up and now, now you can’t trust me and it’s all my _fault_ , I…”

“Stop. Cassie, stop.” The hysterical words chopped off.

And Jake said the only thing he could.

“Why me?”

 

~~~

 

 _Why you? Because Zeke is_ Zeke – _like a brother_ – _and Flynn is taken and like my uncle, and anyone else I know would freak out if I went into a math trance at all, much less during_ … but she couldn’t tell him _that_.

Or could she?

Part of the reason ‘why him’ was just that; she trusted him to… to look after her, to be gentle, to be kind, and most importantly, not to lose it if she went off into what he called ‘one of Cassie’s spells’.

So she told him, haltingly, and with many pauses and vast amounts of embarrassment. She told him about researching getting a deity to help and he agreed that was a bad idea, for the same reasons she had. Godlike capriciousness, and who knew what kind of price she’d have to pay. She explained the artifacts she’d also researched, and which ones she thought might help her, and why.

Then it got hard, really hard, as she told him quietly about the one boy she’d… well… on her sixteenth birthday. The boy who had taken advantage of that need for affection, had sex with her, and openly showed his disgust with her immediately after. She hadn’t tried again for a very long time, and when she did, it hadn’t gone well.

“You don’t have to tell me the details, Cass,” Jake said, the expression in his eyes just on the compassionate side of pity, and she realized that was exactly why she wanted _him_ , Jake. Because he never slid into pity for her; there were sympathy and compassion and affection, but never pity, and never, _ever_ contempt. And she told him so.

“Except when I violated that trust, Jake, that was the only time you ever showed me contempt, and it just kil… it _hurt_ , here.” She put a hand over her heart and dropped her eyes from where she had finally managed to look into his face. “I know it’s my fault, and I…” Her voice broke and she twisted her hands in her lap, trying desperately not to burst into tears again.

 

~~~

“It’s not all your fault,” Jake heard himself say.

He’d blamed her, _she’d_ blamed her, but really, it wasn’t all her fault.

The Serpent Brotherhood – that bitch Lamia – had manipulated Cassie, taken advantage of her illness and her naïveté. They might even have gotten to her in one of her spells, and she surely wasn’t in control of what she said during those. So it wasn’t her fault, not really.

Jake knew it in his head, but he had trouble making his gut believe it.

“I didn’t mean to,” Cassandra whispered, and Jake yanked his attention back to her. “I really thought they would use the magic for good.” She sighed deeply. “I was stupid.”

Jake felt that lump in his throat again, and he pulled her into a hug. She’d been naïve, and easily misled, but not stupid. Never stupid.

She was trembling, but she wasn’t crying again, and she hadn’t gone off into a spell, so Jake was unprepared for her to break the hug and lay another kiss on him.

This time he managed to break away gently.

“I’m sorry,” she said, those enormous blue eyes fastened on his for the first time all day. “I thought after we talked, you…”

“Not for this, darlin’. I…” Jake swallowed hard. “If an’ when we ever… well, it won’t be for a magic spell or a healin’ ritual. Ain’t right.” Jake could hear his own voice getting hoarser and more country, like it always did when strong emotion was involved.

“You still don’t trust me.” Cassie said it in such a broken, hopeless tone that Jake’s heart ached just hearing it. He sighed.

“Not all the way, darlin’, ‘cause you’re not always in control of your actions.” He brushed hair off her forehead, then took her face is his hands.

“But…” _God, those anguished eyes…_

“That ain’t you; it’s the Grape.” He nodded. “I know. But you gotta trust me too, honey; you gotta _ask_ for help instead of goin’ off on your own.”

“I’m not used to it. No-one ever helped me before.” She took a deep breath and managed a shaky smile. “But I can try.”

“Then so can I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like this one as well as some of my other Librarians stories, but I needed to explore the fact that both of them struggle with trust; in his case the problems trusting her after the Crown and the Sword, and in hers trusting other people to care without treating her like an invalid.


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